Mr Pettigrew Makes a Call
by TowerMage
Summary: What happens when Peter Pettigrew calls in to a call center, and wants to take cash from his account to pay off some debts he's incurred? Rated M for slight language and threats of impending stupidity.


_**DISCLAIMER: I do not own Harry Potter.**_

Authors Note : The events dictated in this story are based off of calls that I've received at the institution where I work. The conversations listed are based off of REAL calls, as opposed to fake calls. The situations listed herein, are based off actual events. The stupidity shown in this story, as in real life, is genuine. Please, don't be a stupid caller. Reviews are appreciated.

-TowerMage

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxoxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxo

_**Mr Pettigrew Makes a Call**_

"Good afternoon, you have reached Geldo-Goldwynn Investments, my name is Hestia Barnius, how may I help you?" Came the voice out of the other end of the phone that one, Peter Pettigrew, was holding.

"Erm..yes, I need to take some money from my account today…please." Pettigrew said to the person on the other end.

"Alright I would definitely be able to get you to someone who can assist you with that Sir. Currently though, I would just need to know your name please for verification please, for the recorded line."

Pettigrew felt uncomfortable at this, _recorded lines?_ "Erm…who exactly listens to these calls?"

"Well Sir, that is a good question. It is our Quality Control Department, these records are never released and are only used to ensure the highest level of services are rendered to our valued callers. And speaking as a specialist in security, I know that many people value this, knowing that when they call us here at Geldo-Goldwynn, they can rest assured that we will answer every single on of their.."

Pettigrew frowned and shook his head fiercely, as she just kept going on and on. "Fine, fine! My name is Peter Pettigrew…that's P - E - T- E -…"

"Thank you sir, all the information is on file - including the spelling."

Pettigrew felt abashed and quickly realized his own stupidity. What kind of a concept was this anyway,…having to call in and request money…why couldn't he just go there and get his damned money?

"Now, Mr. Pettigrew, we're just going to ask you a few questions today based off publicly available information. Things like Department of Magical Transportation files, marriage announcements, public and personal relations and property records. They do not reflect any account you may have with us here at Geldo-Goldwynn. Stop me please, when you hear the option that applies to you."

Pettigrew was stunned to silence. "Bur…Right!" He said shakily, not sure if this was a good idea. The things one had to do for money.

"Ok sir, the first question we have for you is _Based on your background, in which continent is 41-7E Godrics Hollow? Is that A) England? B) Surrey C) Ottery St. Catchpole or D) The United States of America?"_

"How did you know I was the secret keeper!?" Pettigrew shouted in alarm. "Are you working for Dumbledore!?"

"No sir, as previously mentioned these questions are based off public records. We have no record of you being secret keeper of any sort. Whether or not you are, is your personal affair. Just choose one option that applies to you."

"Bile. Fine it's a, if you _must _know." He said aggravated.

"Thank you kindly sir, now question two. According to your Wand Certificate of Acquirement, what spell did you last cast? We have, A) Incendio, B) Crucio, C) Impedimenta or D) Enhancius Phallius."

Pettigrew blanched, utterly scared to answer. "Is this really necessary?" His voice broke.

"Yes sir, we here at Geldo-Goldynn greatly value your security and…"

"Oh bleeding hell,…D!" Pettigrew looked out the window, making sure nobody was coming to his place.

"Thank you." The woman said, barely hiding her laughter. "And our final question, …oh my. That can't be right…"

Pettigrew bit his nails. "What…can't be right?"

"Nothing sir, nothing at all." She said, clicking through the screen that asked in what year was your death reported. She turned to a different screen and selected _Not-Quite Honest Caller Suspicion Guidelines._ "Well sir, those questions were all answered successfully!"

"Good!" Pettigrew exhaled. "Now what I'd like to do is take out money from my account. I need you to…"  
"Well sir, I would love to be able to help you with that. However, I deal with security of accounts. What we can do now, is setup a password, so you don't need to go through security in the future. Or, we can get you to someone who can talk to you about your plan. What would you like to do?"

"You really are useless, aren't you?"

"I'm sorry you feel security is not valued sir, let me connect you right to a specialist who can help you."

"Fine." Pettigrew steamed, listening to the obnoxiously cheerful music that played on the other end. "Foolish girl…nosing into my personal affairs…according to your doctor records…who did you last fuck? Merlins' pants…" Pettigrew swore, shaking his head in anger.

"Thank you for holding Mr. Pettigrew, I have invited my colleague Hermes Prewett on the line, he'll be able to assist you!" Hestia closed off, disconnecting from the line.

"Hello Sir, as my colleague mentioned my name is Hermes Prewett, can I have your full name for the recorded line please?"

"Peter Pettigrew." Peter said, hoping this man would be more intelligent than Hestia had been.

"And could you spell that for me please?" Hermes asked.

"The last associate told me it was already on file." He asked, feeling rather uncomfortable.

"Well that is true sir, but on a call to call basis, I would just need to confirm it."

Peter rattled off the name, feeling rather irked now. "Now what I want is to withdrawal some of my money, can you help me?"

"I most certainly can Mr. Pettigrew, I may just need to ask you a question or two along the way. Would that be alright?"

Pettigrew said nothing.

"Sir, would that be alright?"

"Yes fine, I didn't realize you needed an answer."

"In most cases, I definitely will."  
"Fine, what are your questions?"

"Well, I'd like to start by…"

"God, how long is this going to take? I already answered your stupid security questions, you people are so horrible to deal with."

"I do apologize that it has taken you so long to get through Mr. Pettigrew, let me assure you, I can help you. If I could just get your mailing address."

"Fine, it's number two, Spinners End, London, England." Pettigrew said, exasperated already.

"Thank you sir, and I have the Death Eaters LLC plan in front of me, is that the plan we're working with today?"

"Erm…ye..yes? Yes it is!" Pettigrew said, startled that the name of his account had anything to do with _Death Eaters._ Wasn't this supposed to be private?

"Ok, great! And I just need to let you know, that any options we discuss today are subject to be evaluated based on the previous days value - as dictated by the Goblin Council. And any amounts which may be withdrawn or reinvested can fluctuate between now and the distribution, and additional Ministry restrictions, may apply."

"Do you have that whole bloody thing memorized? I haven't heard such nonsense since Fudge's state of the Ministry address."

"Haha, we do like to let our valued customers know everything involved in taking out money. Now, getting back to the distribution, I understand you were looking to take out money, correct?" Hermes said politely.

"Yes!" Pettigrew shouted, finally feeling like he was getting somewhere.

"Alright, definitely nice to get some money now and then, isn't it sir?"

"Yes, it's damn near cheerful, if you can ever get through to someone. Can we stop the small talk please?"

"Absolutely, now we do show that you have 4,000 Galleons and 3 Sickles available to withdrawal today, we're not saying you have to take that much- but it is definitely there for you sir."

"Goodness, I don't want 4,000 Galleons! Don't you want me to keep my business with you people! That's almost my whole account!"

"I'm sorry if I stated that poorly sir, allow me to restate that for us. You can withdrawal any amount you would like, so long as it is not above 4,000 Galleons and 3 Sickles. But, to be able to find you the best withdrawal available, would you be able to tell me what the money was going to be used for?"

Pettigrew sighed again, really growing tired of questions. "I hope someone makes your life as difficult for you as you are making it for me. The money is going to be used to pay for something."

"Well, yes sir, most money is used to pay for things. However, we do need to know the overall purpose of the money, if that would be alright."

Pettigrew was insulted by this and proceeded to tell this _Herman _so. "Listen, Herman I don't need to tell you what the money is being used for."

"I do apologize sir, but according to one Lord Voldemort, your plan administrator and Cornelius Fudge, you would need to tell us."

"It's to pay off my life debt."

"Ok, great! We can certainly set this up for you today. What we'll need to do is send you out some paperwork. It's nothing too painful, it will just ask you to sign your name and have it witnessed by the plan administrator. We will show the amount you are wanting to withdrawal, as well as the purpose of the money."

"He can't see that I owe my life to Harry Potter! He'll try and kill me!" Pettigrew shouted in dismay. "Isn't there any other way I can take my money out? It is _MY MONEY_ after all!"

"Yes sir, you are very right there. However, this was set up as a Retirement Plan, and therefore cannot be taken out quite so easily. We'll certainly help you in any way we can though. Did you still want to process this today?"

"Let me speak to your supervisor."

"I would be able to have him call you back, he is currently in a meeting today however Mr. Pettigrew. To see if I can help, what would you need to speak to him about?"

Pettigrew could no longer contain his anger. "First of all, you don't believe that it's me you're speaking to! Secondly, you won't let me take _MY MONEY! _Thirdly, I don't like your tone you've taken with me, you must be one of those _MUDBLOODS_!"

"Sir, language such as that is not necessary. I am sorry that the plan rules are making this difficult for you, however…" Hermes said patiently.

"YOU PEOPLE are going to be the first to go when the Dark Lord takes over! I'll be the one to Avada you, you worthless…" Pettigrew threatened.

Hermes listened to Mr. Pettigrew threaten him, and he quietly alerted the Corporate Security office, and they heard him threaten Hermes with Unforgivable Curses. They hastily apparated from their office and were soon at #2 Spinners End, London, England. They knocked on the door, and only then did Pettigrew cease his threats.

"Can you hold for a minute, Muddy, someone's at the door." Pettigrew asked.

"Oh I would not mind, take all the time you need sir." Hermes smiled as he imagined how surprised Pettigrew would be. Hermes was astounded with how rude this man was, after all, the Death Eaters LLC plan surely only had his best interests in mind. Hermes couldn't recall the amount of times callers had dialed him, just so they could buy a _Firebolt_ or a _Night with the Veela_ season pass. This was, after all, the only money Mr. Pettigrew may have set aside for retirement.

In Number Two, Mr. Pettigrew was thoroughly surprised to see several men dressed in dark robes, awaiting him once he answered the door. "Mr. Pettigrew?" The one in front asked.

"Mm…yes?" He asked, red in the face and thoroughly curious as to their purpose.

"We are from Geldo-Goldwynn Securities office. We have received communication that you have threatened one of our employees with Phallus Shrinking and Death by the Avada Kedavra curse. We are taking you to Azkaban, to await trial." They moved as one, all five of the Aurors, and Hermes listened and laughed- as he heard Mr. Pettigrew shouting in dismay, he was definitely putting up a good fight.

"Mr. Pettigrew, are you still there sir?" Hermes asked, to the person he knew would not be answering. "I am so sorry, Mr. Pettigrew, but however we cannot hear you. If you can hear us, do give us a call back so that we may assist you. Thank you and we appreciate your business!"

Hermes got off the line, and made sure that Mr. Pettigrews' Password remained blocked, once he called back in- he would have to go through security again. Hermes furthermore, put in a note, indicating that Mr. Peter Pettigrew's status needs to be turned to Deceased, as Peter Pettigrew was definitely killed many years ago. He also asked that a restriction be placed on the account, banning all withdrawals, until a proper beneficiary could be found.

Mr. Pettigrew was most unkind to the Aurors, and they, in extreme appreciation of his business that kept them in business, proceeded to lock him into Azkaban, where he never had his trial…or his withdrawal.


End file.
